I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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