I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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