Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
