i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize