If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
whose ass print is on the piano?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Randomize
