At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize