You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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