She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
