i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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