she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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