I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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