so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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