true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
birth control should be required to get into college
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
