It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
