I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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