I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
