I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
