what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
