Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
