as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
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