im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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