I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
