woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
