You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Who died my cat blue again?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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