I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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