im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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