i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
She bit a glass in half.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
