you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
