i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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