All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
