either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Can I color on your dick again?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I yelled at your uterus for you.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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