please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
