I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
