Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize