i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
