Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
