To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
