I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Randomize
