i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
