Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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