And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
