Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
