You're a womanizer and a bitch.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
