He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
