I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
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