Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
