my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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