Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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