I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
