I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
