Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
