i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
