I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize