she was so not down for the gang bang
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
