i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
